I don't know where my child is. I am living a parent's worst nightmare; MY worst nightmare. And I can't wake up and I don't want to wake up. And I can't sleep, or eat or think or do anything for that matter but think of my child- but that is too painful. No, I can't go there- into the abyss of pain and speculation. The pain is so deep, so raw, I feel as if I have a lead ball in my chest. I can't breath, I feel as if I am drowning or going crazy. I want to cry and scream all at the same time- I am going crazy.
I wish I was going through anything....anything but this!!! Death would be better, even a terminal disease or pain. I'd trade this for anything else. I don't know where my child is. I don't know if he is even alive! Or is he dead? Is he hungry? Is he scared.... afraid, hurt..... I must cut my thoughts short, I can't even begin to imagine, I mean it is more accurate to say that I don't want to imagine. My imagination goes wild. I can't stop it. I can't cope; I can't do this anymore.
I hold on dearly to the bible, especially to this passage in Ecclesiastes......To Everything There is a Season
…5A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace and a time to shun
embracing. 6A time to search and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep and a time to throw away. 7A time to tear apart and a time to sew together; A time to be silent and a time to speak.…
In particular, this verse speaks to me- calms my soul. It relieves me... 6"A time to search and a time to give up as lost"?!? Why in the world would God put this seemingly negative command in the bible? Why would God tell us that if it were not true? Why would God include this, unless there were in fact times that it becomes neccessary to give something or someone up as lost and end the search? I am drained and have no more energy. This verse gives me permission to take a mental break. Because in the end- it is most likely that searching is a waste, it won't help my child... if he's dead. Maybe I am over thinking this particular verse. But I must grasp every bit of truth or comfort I can find..anything. It's all I have. I have nothing left. My hope is in heaven- that in heaven I will be reunited with my child. I must believe there is a purpose to this, and that in the end God will make it better for my child and for me. All I want is my child back! Because the reality is this- there is nothing left in this world for me. I welcome death as it will be a release from my pain. I am an empty shell, a husk of my former self. I am a mother... or was. My new reality does not include my child.
I am alone in my pain and grief. No one understands! No one has gone through this! Your pain is not the same as mine. Your experience of death is not the same as my torture of unknowing what has become of my child.My pain does not end. You can heal, i cant. It will never end. It is unending.
My new bible is the publication, "When Your Child Is Missing: A family Survival Guide", written by the National Center for Missing and Exploited Child. I've read it cover to cover- soaking in its words. I cling to its words and advice as it is written my parents like myself who have gone through the nightmare of a missing child. I hang on to the experiences of other mothers and fathers who have to live without knowing what has become of there own child. No one else can possibly understand or relate, but the pained voices of others sharing their experiences reach out to me- it is my lifeline. Yet its painful as much of it is no longer relevant now or helpful. Fruitless searches, investigations...all for nothing. No closer to the truth, no answers. Nothing! How could it be, that my child has vanished.
Past memories are to painful, his photos.... memories.....I can't bear to go back and relive the past, the day he was born, his first word, his first tooth, first day of kindergarten...all those firsts. His newborn baby blue hospital hat and booties, all tucked away in a box. His action figures, his clothes, reportcards, his spelling tests with the golden stars, his shoes, his backpack, his socks.... His bedroom.... all enshrined....Too painful to revisit or think about. I think about where is he, is he scared or hurt? Was he? Is he alive? Where is he? Sometimes its easier to assume he is no longer alive. Because then I know he is no longer suffering. SOmetimes its better just to assume he is in heaven. Sometimes ITS SO painful - the thoughts that overwhelm me- about what he may have gone through or is going through- make me wish he were never born. They say to have hope, but how does that help my boy? False hope doesn't change anything for him. Hope does not help him. Hope is like a drug- it just blinds you to reality- it is deceptive and artificial, it numbs that pain, maybe. How will my hope change anything for my son. It is ridiculous advice from people who have never been in my situation. Its easy for them to say when there are no other words or advise._________________________________________________________________________________
for more information, please visit www.missingkids.com/