Friday, January 27, 2012

I thought I was in for another sleepness night- exausted, yet unable to sleep- filled with self pity, grief and anxiety.  It certainly looked like it was going to be another long night- to top off my days of worry and anxiety...lots of loose ends, pressed for time, and not enough hours in the day to do what I need.  I've been a bundle of high strung emotions and complaints. Grief counseling was suggested, and an unfilled RX sits somewhere in the stack of unfiled papers on my desk. These days I go to bed after dinnertime, wake at 12am or so and am up until morning. Around 5am I am finally able to sleep but by then it is time for work- a new day! I find that I must trudge through the day exhausted and drained.   My relationships suffer- I am not the easiest person to be around anymore.  I've think I've lost interest in some of my usual hobbies- writing, and reading, for example.  In my kitchen I still have a stash of goodies from Christmas-cookies, chocolate and gourmet popcorn- all untouched! In a former lifetime the entire load would have been eaten in two days.  My mouth is always dry, sticky, parched; my tongue swollen- yet I am too lazy to even get up and get a glass of water.  My toothbrush gathers dust.  I feel drained of energy.  The pressures of life: work and health issues- life in general-  are overwhelming. 

As I said, I thought I was in for another long, sleepless night.  In my despair and self pity there was nothing more I could do but to pray.  And then suddenly from no where I felt a bit of hope, and peace and thankfulness.  God did not take away my problems-they are still there.  But, sometimes God's answer to our requests and problems is simply "no", yet I was offered spiritual strength and peace. It is through trials and storms we gain spiritual strength and the ability to persevere. I've been shortsited- overcome in my own personal grief and anxiety.   Paul had the thorn in his side, that God chose not to take away and in his weakness he found strength.  When Jesus pleaded with God in Gethemane to take away his cup of suffering he was given strength and peace to proclaim, "not my will, but yours."  I have the spiritual strength to go on another day, and the peace to lay aside my worry and anxiety. God has the power to grant hope and change lives- God has been there for me in the past to pull me through and will do so now.

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