Death is a reality that each and everyone of us must face- there are no exceptions! Everyone will die one day- and that includes me .  I don't know when it will be, but as the bible says, now is the time to believe, and today is the day of salvation- because no one is guarenteed to have even one more day- me included.  Many people fear death.  More specifically, many fear dying- leaving this temporary earthly world- and therefore will stop at nothing to prolong life through preventative healthcare, and excercise to the point where avoiding death  becomes an obsession.  The real fear should not be in dying itself. And especially so for me, because I am a sinner no better than any other.   "Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul.  Rather be afraid of the One who can destroy both sould and body in hell." Matthew 10:28 in other words, "What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world yet forfeits his soul." Matthew 16:26 Ironically, this has always been my favorite bible verse.  I should have taken this to heart, but I didn't.

So, just in the event of an untimely and unexpected death- and no, I am not morbid, nor am I depressed-   I am simply a realist- and I recognise that I have a moral responsability-  certain things need to be out in the open before its too late.  I have something that weighs heavily on my mind, and though I have faith that Jesus died for my sins, the pain I have caused for others weighs heavily on my mind to the point that I fear that I will be counted among those hypocrites that Jesus admonishes, when he said as a warning to the hypocrites "depart from me for I never knew you... and I desire mercy and not sacrifice so go and figure out what that means".  I find that I do not wish to die without the opportunity to confess the burden that I carry. (I wish I could do this more publically- i deserve a public humiliation- but this is the best way I could think of right now) "Does not he who guards your life know it? Will he not repay each person according to what he has done" Proverbs 24:12  "For my inequities have gone over my head, like a heavy burden they are too heavy for me.  My wounds are foul and festering because of my foolishness.  I am troubled and bowed down greatly.  I go mourning all the day long.  I am feeble and severly broken.  I groan because of the turmoil of my heart.  For I am ready to fall and my sorrow is continually before me". Psalm 38 

My separation and divorce that I am going through right now weighs heavily on me and its because it is my fault.  I know I bear the responsability for it and for the pain and hardship it has caused.  I can't undo anything I have done, nor the pain I knowingly have caused.  What God has created- I have torn apart. Ive been married 10 years. Because I have often claimed the moral high ground, my burden of responsability is even more greater  than my ex! I am responsible for breaking all the commandments of God, that even the non believers and non religious people dare not break. I have been no different than a pharisee or a hypocrite, caring more about external appearances.  I have presumed to be a teacher and now I will be judged more strictly. James 3:1.   I would have been better to literally take Matthew 18:6, Luke 17:2, Mark 9:42 or  Matthew 5:29-30 to heart. I accept whatever I have to go through as a well deserved punishment (even if I compain about it- which I do- when in actuality the worse it is, the better for me- I must accept)

But I believe this to be true- "Cleanse me with hyssop and I will be clean, wash me and I will be whiter than snow." Psalm 51:7  For those believers or anyone else that read this and feel so inclined- do not pray for me, but rather for those who have been hurt by my actions- my (ex) husband and Rose and Samuel.